Endorphins? More like enDORKphins!

Autozone has lots of cool stuff. I don't know anything about cars, but every time I walk into an Autozone, I try to act like I know lots. I walk around peering at the merchandise, poking and prodding at Penzoil and WD-40, nodding my head in amusement or shaking it in disbelief. Today I saw these really cool air fresheners (the kind that are shaped like trees), but I didn't want to look like I came into Autozone just to buy an air freshener. So I picked up some jumper cables and when I was paying for them, I said in a nonchalant demeanor

"You know, I think I'll take these Wild Cherry air fresheners as well."

Because I'm a smooth operator. I ran to my door and excitedly opened my pack of Wild Cherry tree shaped air fresheners. Immediately upon tearing the packaging, this foul stench engulfed my truck. I mean, I love the smell of cherry, but this wasn't no ordinary cherry. It was vicious. It was violent. It was powerful. I tried to ignore it and I told myself to just take it for a few seconds. The smell would die down soon. But wild cherries never give up. They're not sweet like domesticated cherries. They're pungent. They wreak havoc on your nostrils and they take no prisoners. And after only a few minutes of hanging from my rearview mirror, the Wild Cherry tree shaped air freshener that I bought from Autozone was giving me a mighty bad headache. So I tossed it into my glove compartment and that was that.

Only once before have I experienced Wild Cherries, though not in smell form. This was back in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada. I was gambling for the first time and was immediately drawn to the slots. In hopes of achieving the elusive triple Wild Cherries (and the $500 prize that accompanied it), I lost $800. Thankfully my mom won $2,000 to make up it. You go, mom.

Fortunately, I've had better luck with gambling since then. This past summer, I had a stop in Vegas on my flight back from Sacramento. Since the battery on my DS was dead, I couldn't play any more Pokémon so what better way to pass the time than with a little gambling action? Which was the decision that ultimately led me to this.



Lobstermania. Lucky Larry's Lobstermania. I had no idea who Larry was, but he was lucky, which sealed the deal. I sat down and plunked down $20. I pulled the lever and immediately won a nickel. Then I pulled it again and lost a nickel. A third spin and I was down another nickel.

It was tedious. And boring. And I didn't like it. So I just kept spinning in hopes that I'd win $5 and be able to buy a People magazine or something to find out what Brad and Angelina were up to.

Then something happened. On my seventy-third spin, I got five shade-wearing lobsters in a row. Immediately, the machine started getting crunk. Lights flashing, music pumping, bass jumping, a smoke machine. Some cocktail waitress even offered me a drink. It felt like I was on a game show or something. With my adrenaline pumping, I spun the lever again and immediately "LOBSTERMANIA!" appeared on the screen. I was transported to some awesome mini-game where you can't lose. You might only win like $1, but there's no way you can lose. You're presented with several buoys and you're allowed to pick four. Hidden under each buoy are like ten lobsters. Each of these lobsters have prizes attached to them! The bigger the lobster, the bigger the prize. I ended up winning $30 the first time I achieved lobstermania.

After that, I knew I had to reach it again. Lobstermania is like a gambling nirvana. It gives you this high that I imagine only drugs can match. Which is why gambling is probably so addictive. It's not the actual task of spinning the levers. It's the adrenaline rush you get when you win (or in my case, reach Lobstermania). I put in another $20 and kept spinning. Before I knew it, I was down $50. Luckily, with my last $20, I reached Lobstermania again! This time, I won $70. I told myself that I'd stop once I reached $100. But that didn't happen. I lost everything. EVERYTHING! All the money I had won and the money I initially put in. Which was only $20, but still. I had gone from $90 to $0. So I put in another $20 and reached Lobstermania a third time. After the third Lobstermania, my prize money was $160. I immediately cashed out.

I never understood gambling before, but after Lobstermania, I knew the rush that people talked about. It wasn't the activity. It was the winning that was addicting. It's scary. Annnnd I ended up with a headache because of all the excitement.

Today I had a huge headache (I think from caffeine withdrawal) so I googled some home remedies. One of them told me to feel the little crevices under my eyebrows and press on them REALLY hard for about ten seconds. The pain is intense, but apparently doing so releases endorphins into your system that helps reduce the headache. An alternative method was to eat ten tablespoons of cayenne pepper. Apparently, the intense pain in your stomach would signal your brain to release endorphins. A third option was to do twenty push-ups. The headache would get really really painful for about five minutes, but afterwards, endorphins would be released into your system and alleviate the pain. None of those sounded appealing so I just took some Aleve and passed out.

Good night, America. Stay free.