The human leg is a fascinating thing. It is one of the strongest parts of the body, right behind the tongue and the uterus. It comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, viscosity and what have you. It keeps us going. Literally. It aids in nearly every sport and without legs, we would be reduced to rolling ourselves around on skateboards like that one character from "Toy Story."
However, some time ago, I had come to the conclusion that the opposite sex does not care about legs which led me to focus on working out my chest and arms moreso than anything else for several months. This led to what some doctors call "protracted shoulders." When I finally realized that I was starting to look like a giant double popsicle, I said to myself "Alfonso! You need to do something because you're starting to look like a giant double popsicle!"
The next day, I went to the gym and ran straight to the leg press machine as fast as my little popsicle stick legs could manage. I decided to start off with something light, so I loaded 360 pounds onto the machine. I was tired before I even began, but I had confidence in myself. I knew I could lift that much because I had the eye of the tiger. The spirit of a warrior. The inner strength of a hippopotamus. I sat down on the leg press machine, closed my eyes, braced myself, and pushed with all my might.
I lifted all 360 pounds as if they were a sack full of feathers! Which I guess would be a pillow, but whatever. Feeling even more confident in myself, I decided to bump it up a notch. I added 90 pounds to the machine for a combined total of 450 pounds. I sat back down, closed my eyes, braced myself yet again, and pushed with my mammoth leg muscles. The 450 pounds went up and down. I felt so powerful that I decided to see how many repetitions I could do. Up, down. Up, down. Up, down. I felt invincible. If I could do that much weight with so little effort, surely I could do more than that!
I loaded up the machine with 600 pounds and looked around the gym, hoping that all the mortals were staring in awe at my herculean strength. I sat back down for the third time, didn't even bother to brace myself and just pushed. Up, down. Up, down. I roared as loud as I could so the entire gymnasium could see how much of a man I really was. I got off the machine, puffed out my chest, and noticed that everyone was indeed staring at me. I nodded back at them all and waved, allowing them to catch a glimpse of the god standing in their presence.
I then decided to try 1,000 pounds. Half a ton. I loaded up the machine with all that weight and sat back down. I realized that I had found a purpose for my life at that moment. I was clearly sent to this earth to break the world-record for leg presses. After a few months, I would easily be able to leg press a Toyota Tacoma. I would receive millions of dollars for sponsoring exercise equipment ala Chuck Norris or Tony Little. I would date supermodels who were into guys with huge quads. I would be able to demolish houses with one swift kick. Looking around at all the puny people with weak legs, I prepared to lift those 1,000 pounds. I tensed up. I breathed in. Then I realized that I had actually placed all that weight on the holding racks. The machine was loaded with absolutely no weight whatsoever.
Whoops.
Hahaha! oh my gosh! I promise you, i did that exact same thing like last semester! haha! I really thought i was lifting all that weight, but oh how i was deceived!
ReplyDeleteCan't stop laughing!!!
ReplyDeleteHope you can lift some of it by now! :-)
hahaha! I could see that as a cartoon :)
ReplyDeleteif it's any consolation the legs are definatly an important part of the male anatomy. my opinion on that is final. :)
ReplyDeleteI knew I could lift that much because I had the eye of the tiger. The spirit of a warrior. The inner strength of a hippopotamus.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing! Great humor too :)
I am just tickled to find out how powerful I am because of my Uterus. I am TOTALLY rethinking ever getting a hysterectomy because cha! It's helping my body mass index thingy!
ReplyDeleteyou are hilarious! great writing and thanks for visiting
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