Work It (I Need a Glass of Water)

It's so hot. SOOO HOT! Its like one-hundred and four (KRBE) degrees outside! Reeeeedonculous. Redonkulous? It's so hot outside that I can cook an egg on the pavement. I saw that on the telly once. They cooked an egg on asphalt cus it was so hot. But they didn't eat it. Waste of food. That's how hot it is right now. I could cook part of a complete breakfast on my driveway. I step outside and I start sweating. Maybe I need a new deodorant? I'm using my sister's Secret. SHHHHH! Don't tell her.

Yet despite the heat, I'm wearing boxers, pajama pants, jeans, two shirts, a sweater I got from SeaWorld, and a beanie. It's redonculously cold inside my house and I don't know how to change the temperature. I've tried, but my dad slapped my hand and said "NO!" with this really stern look, so I haven't really tried it since. But it's gotta be close to 50 degrees in here. I can't even sleep naked anymore. I wear layers and then I cover myself with my blanket and my comforter and two pillows and I curl up into a little ball and pretend I'm a bear, hibernating for the winter. Except when I wake up in the morning, instead of honey, I find runny (nose). Get it? Runny nose? Ehh? Ehhhhhhhh? That was kinda funny. Cus it rhymed.

Too hot outside, too cold inside. Like a frozen burrito that's been microwaved for fifteen seconds. Or Regina George.

I twisted my ankle playing basketball. I was trying to do one of those cool spin moves where LeBron goes left and then immediately turns back and goes right and then makes an easy lay-up, except when I turned back and went right, I stepped on the ball and twisted my ankle.

I still wanted to work out though, so I went to the gym to lift some weights. While there, I had decided to see how much progress I had made. I had purposely not weighed myself since the end of April to not get discouraged if I wasn't making the progress I wanted. I was hoping to have lost at least ten pounds. I was playing basketball everyday, running a couple of miles a week, lifting weights, and bathing in protein shakes. Turns out I've lost one pound. ONE. I was so sad that I drowned my sorrows in cheeseburgers.

Back when I was a counselor at Camp Spike n Wave, we had this cheer where the counselors would stick out their guts and shot "POTBELLY PIG!" and then the campers would arch their backs and shout back "HUMPBACK WHALE!" I thought of that right now because I was looking at my SeaWorld sweater. I love my SeaWorld sweater.

I have another secret for you guys.

I didn't really get it at SeaWorld... I actually bought it at Goodwill. BUT (and this is a big but, like Kim Kardashian), I remember buying one of these exact same sweaters back when I went to SeaWorld San Diego in fifth grade. My dad bought one for all of us. Me, my sister Kimberly, my cousin Kevin, my other cousin Bryan, my other other cousin Liza. We all had matching SeaWorld sweaters. And now I don't know what any of them are doing. We used to wear MATCHING SWEATERS. That's how close we were.

I tried googling an image of the sweater, but I couldn't find one. Instead, I have for you, dear readers, a poem I wrote many years ago!

Ode to the Orcas

One Time

when I was four

I went to San Antonio with my family

and we went to SeaWorld

and I played this game

where you shoot water at a little circle

and the boat goes up and up

and the person who reaches the top first wins

and I was the person who won

because I reached the top first

so I won

and I got a karate doll as my prize

and it was a troll doll wearing a karate outfit

with purple hair
and a shiny jewel in the middle of its belly

that supposedly brought you good luck

and it was wearing a karate outfit

because it practiced karate

but I lost it when I went to visit Shamu

because Shamu splashed water

all over us

because he is so silly

and then I bought this SeaWorld movie

and I was watching it when I got home

and they showed Shamu's mate

giving birth
to a baby Shamu

and I started crying

because blood was flowing

everywhere

and this was just after I had watched "Aliens"

so I thought that the baby Shamu

was an alien

and he was tearing his way out of his mom's body

in an effort to eat poor Shamu.

And I'll end on that note.