took the 'G' out yo' waffle

Back when I used to play Dance Dance Revolution, I would see arrows. It wasn't uncommon for DDR players to experience this "arrow vision" after extended sessions of arrow stomping. It's similar to the way that an image gets burned into a plasma television screen if you leave a movie on pause for long periods of time. After staring at a screen filled with scrolling arrows for hours, the images would get burned into your vision so that whenever you would close your eyes, you'd see dozens of arrows scrolling upwards. It was always temporary, never lasting for more than an hour, but it was neat.

I thought of that earlier today when I left "The Science of Dogs" on pause for a few hours. There was a giant Mastiff on the screen all afternoon and every time I passed by the television, I'd catch a glimpse of this huge dog sitting next to a Chiahuahua. That Mastiff could've had his little friend for a snack if he were so inclined. But, no, he sat there, transfixed, waiting patiently for me to come back and press play. I never did.

It's been a dog-filled month. My sister, Kayla, got a Chihuahua. She named it Milkshake and it is the bee's knees! Such a cute, hyper puppy, but it has worm. Roundworms, hookworms, and I think tapeworms as well. Also, Delma and I bought her brother a worm-free Yorkie-Pap puppy as an early birthday present. That thing is ridiculously tiny. I could have him as a snack if I were so inclined. Seriously, he weighs 1.1 pounds. Now don't quote me on this, but I believe that's about the weight of an iPhone. Isn't technology wonderful? Shrinking phones and dogs. What's next? People? Let's hope so.

That would end world hunger. Seriously, if you shrunk all of China, that entire country would be able to live off of one normal-sized cow! Maybe two normal-sized cows. I don't know, I'm not a mathematician, but I think we'd have enough food to go around, enough land, enough fossil fuels. Shrink-rays are the future. I'm calling it now.

I'm going to be a rapper. I'm calling that now too. I've been inspired by Donald Glover. That fool is ridiculous. Writer for "30 Rock," Troy Barnes on Community, moonlighting as a rapper. And a GOOD rapper. Ridiculous.



For reals, though, I want to be able to freestyle. I already do it every now and then. I'm not very good, but I have a blast doing so. My goal for the rest of the year is to improve my flow. Most of my raps usually come out like:

"I'm riding in the car
not going very far
just headed to the bar
to get a PBR."

I suppose I'll get better with practice. But I want to be good NOW. Hmph.

My other goals for the rest of the year aren't as cool. I'll list them here so you can see what they are and because Scott Adams says that if you write your goals down, they'll come true. Eventually.

1) Find a job that a) I like and b) that pays well (approx. $35-40k a year)
2) Get onto a team at iO. Or the Annoyance. Or the Playground. Anywhere really, I just want to perform improv on a stage again.
3) Get SWOLE.
4) Dunk a basketball.

Every year I have "dunk a basketball" as one of my goals, but I haven't made any progress towards achieving that. I wish I was Blake Griffin. Except not really, cus he's uuuuuugly. And he plays for the Clippers.

BLAKE SMASH!

I also want to write more. And read more. And get out more. More more more. Not eat more though.

I've been losing weight! But not because I've been trying to. There's something fishy going on with my gallbladder and anytime I eat fried foods or red meat or greasy junk, I get this stabbing pain in my upper abdomen. It feels like someone is taking a Torx screwdriver and repeatedly jamming it into my stomach. No hyperbole. Well, maybe a little hyperbole. It's probably more like an X-Acto knife being jammed into my side over and over. But still! It hurts.

So I've been eating less. A lot less. I'm pretty sure I've lost ten pounds in two weeks and, sadly, not all of it has been fat. I can feel my muscles atrophying, withering away like that enchanted rose from "Beauty and the Beast." Melting muscles.

With the end of winter comes spring which means that allergy season is upon us. Not in Chicago (yet...), but it's in full-swing in Houston. Which is why I'm writing right now. I can't breathe. My nose is clogged up with pollen and I'm sitting on the bed, breathing through my mouth like some sort of... Mouth breather.

I've tried a few different things to unclog my nose. I've injected Afrin into my nostrils, I've slathered Baby VaporRub all over my atrophying body, I've repeatedly blown my nose on my Houston Texas t-shirt (still no play-offs), and I even left the hot water running so that the bathroom could be filled with steam because wikiHow told me it would break up the mucus in my nose. No dice. Or rather, NOSE DICE!

Because of that, I can't sleep. I've tried, believe me, but I just end up waking up all scared because I can't breathe.

Which has led me to this. A late-night write. I'm more productive when it's after midnight, but then I start getting sleepy and I want to stop writing, but I'm not really sure how to end the post so I usually end it abruptly.

Like this.