Puns from the Crypt Keeper

Any of y'all ever watch Tales from the Crypt? I used to watch it whenever we went over to my grandma's house. She was the only one in my family who had cable. I loved going to my grandma's house because I always got pupusas or quesadillas or McDonalds or some other type of food that made me the fat ass I am today. But I also loved going to my grandma's house because I got to spend the evening with this dude.

At first I was terrified whenever he came on screen, but soon I learned not to judge a book by its cover. The Crypt keeper turned out to be hilarious. He always had some wisecrack or awesome pun for the tales at hand and I loved him for it. Everything is better with puns.

There's this one episode that I thought about today while walking my dog. I saw some old guy walking realllllly slow on the other side of the street. Then some young whippersnapper wearing only a skimpy pair of running shorts ran by and almost crashed into him, looking all annoyed. Like the old guy was an asshole for even existing in the first place or something.

Anyways, this specific episode features some old guy (it also features Arnold Schwarzenegger). And he's rich. Loaded, even. Has tons of disposable income and he's in love with this girl and she's young and (obviously) a gold digger, but he still wants to marry her. So he devises this plan to get plastic surgery, but the plastic surgeons of 1991 can't do the crazy stuff that today's plastic surgeons can do. Which is why he goes to a mad scientist. Seriously, this scientist has all sorts of beakers and electrical devices and bubbles and cauldrons and shit.

Old guy gets his face swapped with some young whippersnapper. Girl isn't impressed. Then he gets his torso swapped. Girl still says no. This old guy is doing chin-ups like NOBODY'S business and she still says no. So then he gets the rest of his body swapped. And he goes to propose and she's all like "I can't marry you. I want someone that'll take care of me so that I'll never have to worry about money. Also, I'm already married. TO THIS OLD GUY!" and the new old guy turns out to be the old young whippersnapper with the old old guy's body who now has a ton of disposable income.

SURPRISE PLOT TWIST, OLD GUY!

And the ending is the old guy in the young whippersnapper's body cursing the heavens for stealing the love of his life.

But even as a six-year old watching this episode, I thought "Isn't the old dude better off now?"

I mean, he lost the "love" of his life, but he just postponed his death by like, sixty years or something. He just added SIX DECADES to his life because he's in a young man's body. Even IF the procedure cost him all of his money, he has the experience and knowledge to earn it all back. And then some. AND he doesn't have to get up to pee in the middle of the night. And he can bust out chin-ups like NOBODY'S business! I mean, he wasn't a spring chicken after the body swap, but he was in his mid-20's again.

Man. Do your life over, old man. Correct any mistakes you made in your previous life. YOLO. Except in your case cus you got a new body now.

I'm just blogging because I don't want to get back to work...

Here, watch the episode for yourself. But be warned that it has terrible, terrible actors. With the exception of Arnold and the Crypt Keeper, of course.