Booty Rockin' Everywhere

It's hot. Not unbearably hot. Just uncomfortably hot. Like wearing a tweed suit when it's sunny and there's a slight breeze in Bentonville, Arkansas.

I'm in my PJs and an Adventure Time t-shirt. I can just feel the sweat drops slowly trickling from my armpit down my torso. Drip. Drip. Drip. Like my pits are leaky faucets that I can't turn off because, you know, it's hot.

Delma's walking around in her booty shorts. That's how I know summer is here. Her bed wear goes from this

to this

.

Vicki won't sleep on the bed with us anymore. I woke up this morning and found her lying down on the tile floor in front of the toilet. It's cooler there, apparently.

Hot hot hot hot hot. Hot. Well, warm. Actually, it's nice outside. It's only like 70 degrees or so. But I've been in Chicago so long that I forgot what actual heat feels like. 70 degrees would be winter in Houston.

Also, our heaters are still on. The building doesn't shut them off until the end of the month and I don't know how to turn them off and I'm too lazy to google it. It's the heat. The heat makes me lazy. Heat waves making me heat lazes. Ugggghhhh.

It wasn't so hot (re: warm) last weekend. It was nice and chilly. Nippy, even. Nipples.

Delma and I went shopping. I needed some sweet new duds because I'm starting my first, real job this Monday (well, internship). I'm becoming a man, y'all.

That's why we went shopping. You can't be a man if you're wearing ripped jeans and an Adventure Time t-shirt. I picked up the latest issue of GQ (the one with Robert Downey Jr. on the cover) and immersed myself in the world of men's fashion. I learned lots. Like:

Did you know it's acceptable to wear boat shoes without socks?
Did you know that pocket squares aren't meant for blowing your nose?
Did you know that Sketchers shoes are a fashion faux pas?

Things of that sort.

Armed with that knowledge, I braved Plato's Closet, Crossroads and Buffalo Exchange. All in one day. I tore through racks and racks of dress shirts and button-up shirts and polo shirts and all sorts of other shirts. I tried on skinny jeans, colorful jeans, khaki jeans (AND khaki not-jeans). I even tried on different hats.

This is a chance to reinvent myself, you know? It's like going to college. A new start. A new chance to be the man I want to be. Strong, confident, with just a hint of sass.

I ended up buying a new pair of Levis jeans and two new plaid shirts. One of those plaid shirts nearly identical to one I already have.

A zebra can't change its stripes. An Alf can't change his plaid.

Despite the problems that my personality causes in a professional setting (re: people not taking me seriously because I'm too jokey), I like how I am. And I feel that I'm someone who is pretty easy to work with (at least I hope I am). Also, my Adventure Time shirt is hecka comfy, y'all. Plus, it helps me deal with the heat. Well, warmth. Whatever.