So Chill

Chill. That's my new aspiration in life. My new goal. No more aiming to be a well-received comedic author or a creative director at a fancy agency or a GQ cover model. From this point onward, the only thing I'm going to strive for is to be chill. Like these chips.

Not just chill. Like, really chill. Chill as fuck. Instead of killin' it, I'ma be chillin' it. Chill City, USA.

I mean, I still want those other things. But they're taking a backseat to my new goal of being chill. Chill is now riding shotgun in the Cabriolet that is my life.

So chill. We say that a lot work. It's said with a modicum of irony, a wink-wink and a tilt of the head.

"Dude. SO chill."

But if you really think about it, chill is the ultimate compliment. The people we like the most are those that seem unfazed by anything. No matter how hectic things are, no matter how rough the storm gets, they're there, doing what needs to be done, chill as fuck.

I'm not chill. Far from it. I'm anxious, skittish and impatient. As fuck. IBS might have to do with some of it, but even before I self-diagnosed, I've been really insecure and flimsy. 

If I'm not prepared for a conversation, I mumble and stutter and give incoherent answers.

"Did you finish that radio script?"

"Ah... I... It... The script. Finished? I finish yes."

I joke around that English is my second language, but if you've heard any conversation I've had while flustered, you'd believe it.

A big part of the reason I want to be chill is my health. Anxiety and self-induced stress have been taking their toll on me. I've been trying to read for one hour and write for two. Every morning before work. I also try to work out 3-4 times a week and meditate for at least 20 minutes everyday. The morning's the best time because I never have any idea how late I'm going to stay at work. Unpredictable hours, you know?

I usually wake up around 5:30 to make time (also because of the aforementioned self-diagnosed IBS). Which is fine. If I go to bed by 10, that's about 7 hours of sleep. More than enough. But because I'm putting in all this time into writing and reading, I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to succeed. Succed at what? I dunno. But I keep stressing about finding success and I feel like a failure because I'm close to 30 and (in my mind) haven't accomplished anything. 

And I do have goals. I just always feel like I'm never doing enough to make those goals happen. Too focused on the end product, not the process. 

And, even then, no one really cares if I achieve those goals. Not in the sense that they wouldn't be proud of me. More that no one would care if I fail. The only person it would matter to would be me.

I've already failed at shit. Many times. The world didn't end. No one cared. I didn't stop breathing.

My momma will still love me if I quit my job and become a beach bum, sleeping on the sand and living off of Xochitl chips. 

This is something that I've known forever. Everyone knows this. Slow progress does not mean failure. Failure does not mean death. But I still stress myself out every day that I'm not working towards a goal. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

I attended a talk a couple nights ago about women in advertising and one thing that really stuck out to me (which wasn't really about women in advertising) was a panelist's opinion that the biggest problems with millenials (I hate that term) is that we're impatient. We want things immediately.

To quote Kel, "I do I do I dooo-ooo."

I want success. And I want it now. Waiting is hard, man. Real hard.

It's not just the waiting and wanting. I'm worried that I'm wasting precious time, squandering any precious opportunities that I'll have to be successful. Life is short, man. Life is real short. Also, life is a cereal. And a game. 

But I know life is going to happen. It's happening right now. And if I'm too worried on the end product, I can't focus on the now. I keep writing about being in the present, but only because it's so hard for me. 

Maybe I just don't want to grapple with the fact that life goes on. Shit happens. People die. The world doesn't stop. It's a tough pill to swallow. I want to believe in my own immortality. That's why I'm impatient. I need to create something of substance, something that's worth it, something that people will appreciate. My self-worth is based on other people's validation. But that's a different problem altogether.

Only thing I can do now is just focus on being chill. I'm gonna go from a millenial to a chillenial. That's all I want to do. That's what I want to be. Chill. 

I just wanna be chill.

Tonight, instead of stressing about writing the next great New American novel, I'm going to play some mother lovin' Mario Kart.



Luigi. So chill, y'all. So chill.