Working in a corporate environment, it can often feel like we are wasting too much time and not maximizing our full potential. In today’s efficiency-driven, results-oriented, performance-enhancing world, it may seem that your efforts are not enough and, at the end of a long day at the office, you may be dissatisfied with your output. Thankfully, there are many simple and effective ways to increase your daily productivity.
1) Take a Break
This seems counterintuitive, but going outside for a short five-minute walk will help clear your mind, letting you focus on things that really matter. Like those expense reports from last week!
2) Drink a Cup of Coffee
Caffeine is a known stimulant and indulging in a cup of joe is a sure-fire way to increase your productivity. Don’t drink too much, however, or you’ll squander time on frequent bathroom trips (caffeine is a known diuretic)!
3) Stimulate Your Nervous System
When old plain-jane caffeine isn’t cutting it, try actual bona fide cocaine. The rush you get from the coke will give you plenty of energy and motivation to increase productivity. Don’t know where to get cocaine? Talk to Bruce in Accounting. He knows a couple of Ecuadorians down on the Lower West Side.
4) Create a To-Do List
By organizing what you have to do for the day, it’s easier to break down all the tasks that need to be done. Seeing those tasks in a list makes them less intimidating and more feasible. Make sure to include ‘Avoid Bruce’ on that list. He’s been asking for payment all week.
5) Set Aside a Time to Answer E-mails
When something is truly urgent, people will call. Set aside a time to respond to all of your electronic messages. If you receive many e-mails, consider setting up two times, one in the morning, the other in the afternoon. That way you don’t have to see Bruce’s 47 “high priority” messages throughout the day.
6) Learn To Say “NO”
If you take on too many projects, your workload will be unbearable and you’ll be stretched too thin to effectively tackle them all. Buckle up and say “NO” when you can’t commit to any more assignments. Also, say “NO” to Bruce. You don’t have the money right now. As soon as you have it, he’ll have it. Why can’t he understand that?
7) Get Rid of Distractions
Distractions diminish productivity immensely. Turn off that “Family Fued” rerun. Use ear plugs to block out the rambunctious construction happening right outside your window. Get rid of Bruce to stop him from demanding his stupid money.
Get rid of him.
8) Breathe
Oh, god. You did it. Oh, Jesus Christ. He’s dead. Bruce is dead. Hey. Heyheyhey. Listen to me. It’s fine. It’s ok, it’s fine. Everything’s fine! You did what you had to do. He barged into your office demanding his money to pay back the Ecuadorians and you snapped. It happens to everyone. People snap all the time. Probably from heavy workloads or not enough productivity or cocaine withdrawal. So you snapped and bashed him on the head with your keyboard, then used your ethernet cable to strangle the life out of his eyes, watching the color drain from his face, seeing the spit dribble down his bearded chin. Now you have Bruce’s fat corpse in your office, under your desk. This is not the time to panic. This is the time to breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
9) Prioritize
You have a project due Friday, time sheets due this afternoon and Bruce’s stiff, lifeless body to deal with right now. Which of these three is most important?
10) Exercise
Exercise releases “feel good” endorphins into your bloodstream. Carrying Bruce’s carcass to the parking garage and loading him into the trunk of your 2012 Toyota Yaris burned over 200 calories, easily.
11) Work From Home
Working from home cuts out the commute entirely allowing you more time to be productive. Grab the hacksaw from the garage. Chop off Bruce’s appendages. Cut through the bone. All while wearing your favorite pair of Lululemon sweatpants!
12) Don’t Multi-Task
Take one task at a time. Multi-tasking is actually less productive in the long run. Focus on only one singular activity. In this case, digging a six-foot hole in your backyard.
13) Start a Polyphasic Sleep Schedule
You have to be alert. Ready for anything. You don’t know if Bruce told the Ecuadorians who the drugs were for. Can’t take any chances. Have to be smart. They’ll want money. Revenge. Sleep in short intervals. 45-minute naps. Every four hours. Alert. Attentive. Alive.
14) Review Your Progress
You dug a hole in the backyard? Check. You dismantled the body? Check. You placed each individual body part into its own reusable heavy duty Ziploc bag, then threw all of those bags into a Hefty Cinchsak garbage bag, then tossed that Hefty bag into a Sterilite storage box, then dropped that box into the hole in your backyard and buried it? Check, check and check. Now we wait.
15) Reward Yourself
It’s been sixteen weeks. You lost your job, your spouse and have now taken on debilitating credit card debt from ordering Grubhub thrice daily, but the search for Bruce has been called off. The coast is clear. Incentivize productivity by rewarding yourself. You got away with committing homicide. Go ahead and get that Amaretto Black Cherry Swirl gelato from Paciugo. You've earned it!
16) Drink Chamomile Tea
Chamomile contains bisabolol which has several health benefits and is known to increase focus and concentration. Don’t forget to add a squirt of honey from that cute little bear-shaped bottle!
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