Dogs That I See

This is a list of dogs that live in my neighborhood. I have very limited interaction with these dogs, but I see them fairly often. Some on a daily basis. Some less so. But I see these dogs walking around a lot. I like some. Others I don't. All breeds are pure speculation as I have never shared a word with any of the owners. Here is the list.

Labradoodle
Oh, labradoodle. You are simply the cutest. You're a big, fluffy ball of fun. Sometimes you're carrying your own leash in your mouth, as if you're pretending to be your own owner. You're in charge of your destiny, labradoodle. Other times, you're trying to jump onto your owner in such a way that it looks like you just want him to carry you. You have such a huge smile on your face that I just want to go up to you and hug you. I love you, labradoodle.

Bulldog
Bulldog, you are too cool. You walk around with this strut like you OWN this neighborhood. Every time I see you, you stop and stare at me for a few seconds until I pass you, then you keep strutting. Once, you gruffed at me. I probably deserved it. Keep on being cool, bulldog.

Golden Retriever
Once, I saw you try to eat a plastic bag from 7-11.

Toy Shih Tzu
You're a cute little guy. Also, you live right below me so I hear you scamper about and I can just imagine you trying to climb onto the coffee table or futon and it makes me giggle. Whenever I see you outside, you walk so slow and it's refreshing. Most dogs I see pull their owners along and live life a mile a minute. You, little shih tzu? You don't give a fuuuuuck. You just walk along, stopping every few seconds to look around and then look up at your owner, then you resume walking super slow. The only thing I don't like is how you bark every time I enter our building. I wish you were my dog though. Because you're so adorable.

Schnauzer
I hate you, schnauzer. I hate you so much. I hate you and your owner. Why are you so hateful, schnauzer? Do you remember that time you tried to attack me? I was carrying four bags of groceries from Trader Joe's and you lunged at me and I dropped the bags and my bananas fell in the snow and you kept barking and trying to bite me and your owner just kind of stood there. What's up with that? I hate you, schnauzer, and I hope you get fleas when the snow melts.

Boxer
You poop while standing on two legs. Why, boxer? Why do you poop like that? Seriously. I've never seen any dog poop the way you do. It's like you're trying to be people.

Scottish Terrier
I don't really have an opinion of you, scottish terrier. I mean, you're a scottish terrier, but there's nothing terribly likable about you. Your owner though? Total dick. Dude has a staring problem. Whenever I pass y'all, he just glares and does not stop glaring until I turn the corner. Maybe he's even glaring then. I don't know. I don't like it. He gives me the heebie jeebies.

Toby
I've never actually seen you, Toby, but I hear your name three to four times a week. Sometimes at 2AM. Sometimes at 5AM. Here's a sample conversation:
"Toby. TOBY. PSST! TOBY! Come here. COME HERE. COME. HERE. TOBY. Goddamnit, Toby. TOBY. COME HERE! Goddammnit!"
This goes on for approximately three minutes. Then it stops. Could you just listen to your owner, Toby, so that he shuts up? It's annoying waking up in the middle of the night because of him.

Pitbulls
Hey, you two. You guys are huge and intimidating and I cross the street every time I see you because I get scared. But you're very majestic.

That concludes the list of dogs that I see in my neighborhood. There are others, of course. But those are the ones that I see most often.

This Entry Concerns Bagels

I'm in a 'bagel' phase right now. For the past seventeen days, I've had a bagel for breakfast. Not always an entire bagel (sometimes I split with Delma or Conor). Not always a plain bagel (I'm particularly digging sesame seed bagels). Not always with cream cheese (a bagel dunked in coffee is, honestly, better than a donut). But, in some capacity or another, bagels have been a part of my life for the past couple of weeks.

There's a restaurant called "The Bagel" in Lakeview. I don't particularly like their bagels, but they have the best matzo ball soup I've ever had. To be completely honest, it's also the only matzo ball soup I've ever had, but I love it and anytime I get sick, I go and order a large matzo ball soup and I sip it slowly and carefully and I can feel the warmth of the matzo ball soup radiating throughout my limbs, filling me with matzo ball life. I have a cold right now and I plan on going to "The Bagel" when Delma gets back from work. I'm going to have her carry me all the way down there. Because I'm sick. And I deserve to be treated like a princess.

There's a old lady who lives in our building that owns a beagle. That beagle's name is Bagel and it's the cutest beagle I've ever met. So nice and friendly. The lady walks Bagel the beagle 6-8 times a day. Seriously, it's like every time I look out the window, she's there, walking Bagel the beagle. I do my best to avoid her. I feel bad, because she's nice and because Bagel's the cutest, but if I say hi to her, she'll ensnare me in a conversation about the most inane topic for 10-15 minutes. Delma and I have timed these talks. I'm sure she does it because she's lonely and craves human interaction, but I'm a jerk and just want to get on with my day.

I used to live a couple blocks from an Einstein's. I loved going there and getting a chocolate chip bagel and a cup of fruit. It was my morning ritual when I worked from home. There was this one Filipino lady who worked there who always had a smile on her face. All the other workers would be sassy and give me looks whenever I walked in because I look like a bum, but she was so friendly. And she knew my order. I don't know if we'd be considered friends, but if there was a fire and that Einstein's started burning up and I only had time to save one person, it'd be her.

The best bagels are supposedly in New York City. The best advertising jobs are supposedly in New York City. Is that a coincidence? Yes. It is.

Why does New York City have the best bagels? I don't know.
Do I want to move to New York City? I don't know.
Why do I keep referring to New York City as New York City? I don't know.

The best bagel I've ever had was at a German breakfast restaurant in Mexico. It was so soft and moist. It was like biting into a cloud. Mmm. A cloud slathered with cream cheese and sprinkled with sesame seeds.

The worst bagel I've ever had was at a Best Western in Marion, Arkansas. It was incredibly dense and dry. It was like biting into a four-day old bagel. Because that's probably what it was.

When I lived in Sacramento, I found this bagel chain called Noah's and their bagels tasted exactly like Einstein's bagels and I was like "Whoa, guys. This is taking it too far." Turns out they're owned by the same company.

I have a funny story about donuts. But I'm not going to tell it because this entry is about bagels and I'm not going to break the rules for you. Jerk.

Everything bagels scare me. How can the bagel be everything? If the bagel is everything, does that mean I am the bagel? And if I am the everything bagel, that means that I am you and you are me and we are the same. We are the same being. And if we're the same being, then... What is individuality? Does it even exist?

These are the questions that the bagel road leads to.

"Are there bagels in heaven?" is another question down the bagel road.

I had a bagel this morning, but I want another bagel, but the best bagel restaurant close to me closed at 2pm and it's 4pm and I'm sick and I want to sleep, but don't I deserve a bagel because I'm sick?

Philosophical Bagel. That'd be a cool rapper name.