Now with more SHIMMER!

I use Lubriderm. There. I said it. No, I don't use it for the typical purposes. I use it for its moisturizing properties. I have dry skin, so every morning when I hop out of the shower, I dry myself off and rub Lubriderm all over my beautiful body. It keeps me moisturized and feeling fresh. Also, the cocoa butters will help me get rid of cellulite when I turn into a fat old lady. But that's in the future. Right now, Lubriderm keeps me moisturized.

Unfortunately, when I run low, I often forget to restock my supply of Lubriderm. So today, when I hopped out of the shower, I had no lotion to apply. None at all! So I covered myself up with a towel and ran into my sister's room and stole her Ralph Lauren Body Lotion (with more SHIMMER). I didn't know what shimmer was, but it sounded cool. Maybe it would make me shine. Like turtlewax or something, y'know? So I rubbed it all over my body and I was smelling fine like a dandelion. Then I looked in the mirror and realized that in the girl world, shimmer means glitter. The lotion had glitter and I had glitter all over my body. So I ended up going to my cousin's birthday party with glitter all over the place. That's a little embarrassing.

But not as embarrassing as walking into a movie theater with a medium-sized popcorn, then tripping on the stairs and having the popcorn fly all over the place during the previews and then having everyone in the theater start laughing at you so then your face turns red and you start sweating and you just want to disappear like Harry Potter.

Nor is it as embarrassing as going to the gym for the very first time and trying to impress the ladies because you think you're all buff so you load up the bench press with 225 pounds and you try to lift it, but then it falls on your chest and you can't get it off so you struggle and strain, but all that happens is you fart and so you wait there for a few minutes until some real huge buff guy comes and lifts it off with just one finger.

Nope. Not as embarrassing as that.

Today is Fat Tuesday so I went to Whataburger in the morning and get a sausage burrito and then I went to Einstein's and got a chocolate-chip bagel with strawberry shmear and then later I went to Taco Bell and got a double decker and then I went to McDonald's and got some chicken McNuggets before finally coming home for dinner and making red chicken curry (with tofu!) and a small sausage pizza. Unfortunately, I missed out on Free-Pancakes-Day at IHOP and Free-Tacos-Day at Jack in the Box. But Delma and I made up for it by baking 48 cookies (Snickerdoodle AND chocolate-chip). Hooray for Fat Tuesday! I wish everyday were Fat Tuesday.

But then I'd get real fat. Them's the breaks... I actually have put on quite a bit of weight since the year began. I think it's because I've been cooking now. You'd think that by cooking I'd lose more weight because I could choose what to put in my food, but before I cooked, I would just eat sandwiches everyday. It was delicious, but it wasn't good for my digestive system.

In faaaaact, it was so bad for my intestines that when I had to go, I HAD TO GO. I couldn't hold it in anymore. And I'd get crazy nauseous and my stomach would feel weird often. But then I found a solution.


Yes, that's right. I take a dietary fiber supplement. And no, I'm not ashamed of it. Why? Because Metamucil gives me the confidence I need to go out into the world and think "Today is a good day because I will not have diarrhea, nor will I be constipated. I will be regular." And regular I am.

As an added bonus, Metamucil makes my poop really clean. Like, when I wipe, I leave behind no residues. No mess. Sham-WOW!

(DISCLAIMER: This is a short post. I am getting back into the groove of things. Give me time, friends, give me time...)