King of the Scavengers

I'm not an angry person. I rarely get upset and I've never been in a fight. I try to keep my cool and, when confronted, quickly try to defuse the situation with words (see: I'm a wuss). But I draw the line here. This has gone on long enough. I'm not one to declare war, but this, my friends, this is definitely war.

Pollen is going down. I've had enough. I can't breathe. I can't go outside without sneezing. My eyes itch and my eyelids hurt from rubbing my eyes so much. My throat hurts from sneezing. I can't sleep because I wake up in the middle of the night with both of my nostrils blocked up. My eyelids are glued shut in the morning because of the eye boogers. This is it, pollen, you selfish bastard. Why can't oak trees spread their seed like flowers? Bees buzzing around, pollinating other flowers with their cute little striped bottoms. Noooo, trees have to shoot it out and get it all over the ground, the cars, the fire hydrants, the water fountains. This is it, pollen.

One of my goals this week was to spend less than $100. I was close. Before I bought supplies for the Great Pollen War, I was at $96.12, according to my online Bank of America account. The supplies brought that total up to $144.48. What supplies?


THESE supplies!

Zyrtec, eye drops, Allegra D, Advil, Nyquil, a SINUCLEANSE Neti Pot, Vaporub, Nasonex nasal spray, Pom juice, and fresh fruit. The Zyrtec and Allegra D are the main guns. They're there to prevent most symptoms. The eye drops are for the itchy, watery eyes. The Advil is backup for the sinus headaches. Nasonex and Vaporub is the artillery for the congestion clearing. The Pom juice because of its rich, antioxidant-infused raw fruit power (it can help you cheat death, apparently). Kind of like a phoenix down. The fresh fruit because I wanted some for breakfast with my waffles. The robots are there because ROBOTS AREN'T ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING EXCEPT LOVE. And then there's the neti pot.



Before today, I had never seen a neti pot. I saw this at Walgreen's and thought it was used to prepare some weird tea that you drank or used to breathe in fumes or something. Nope. The neti pot works by pouring shit INTO YOUR NOSE! Yeah. You tilt your head sideways, place the spout of the neti pot into one nostril, and watch as the weird salt water liquid squirts out the other nostril.

It's actually really, really ridiculously awesome. My sinuses were so stuffed up that it took a few seconds for the neti pot to do its magic, but after a while, I got a nice dribble going out of my left nostril. Then, the stuff just started pouring out! It was crazy! Then I sneezed and got neti pot liquid/snot all over my bathroom mirror. It made me want to see what else I can pour into my nose, but it looks like somebody beat me to it.




And finally, the big guns. If the neti pot is like the frog suit in Mario Bros. 3, then this is the Tanuki suit. Amigos, allow me to introduce you to...


This.

I swiped five of them from the hospital this morning. They had a whole stack on a table so I just grabbed a handful and ran out of there but, boy howdy let me tell you, I am glad I did. It's so effective. I can step outside without immediately sneezing. I can get on the bus without having to wrap my face in a T-shirt. I can walk around without dying. I can live life again. I went to the gym today. Do you know how long it's been since I've gone to the gym? A week. A week. Pollen, you rule my life no more, thanks to you, SARS mask.

They're not 100% effective. My eyes water a little bit and my nose still gets a little runny and this one time I forgot it was on and I tried to pick my nose, but ended up looking like a damn fool on the bus, but it's worth it. It's so worth it. Not only am I protected from pollen, but on the way back from the gym, I passed by an Einstein's and scared a little boy so bad that he dropped his bagel.

I get all sorts of looks. Probably because people think I have some crazy contagious virus, but it works out because then no one sits next to me. Not even pollen! So it alllllll works out.

Tonight I'm going to lather myself up with Vaporub, spray some Nasonex into my nose, chug some Nyquil and then I'm going to sleep like a baby. A baby that's been anesthetized.

Tomorrow, the pollen count is supposed to be "VERY HIGH" for the 60614 area, so I'll let you know how it turns out. Judging by my experiences today though, I do believe that I have won the Great Pollen War of Twenty Ten. Another victory for mankind and one more defeat for mother nature.

Just in time, too. I have two auditions tomorrow and it would've been terrible if I sauntered onto the stage and sneezed all over the director. A travesty, really.

It's weird saying that I have an audition (let alone two auditions). It's also weird that I have head shots. Really weird. This is not the life I imagined I would be living when I was a freshman in high school.

FLASHBACK!

CAST
Alfonso, fourteen year old Hispanic male

(Alfonso is leaning back in a chair.)

ALFONSO: I pride grades over everything else. I fancy myself on my natural smarts, my cleverness, my cunning. I can pump out a five page paper in just over two hours and still receive an A for my efforts. Geometry comes easy to me. Sine, cosine, tangent? More like, sine, cosine, FOUR POINT OH GPA!

(ALFONSO fakes a laugh, coughs, then crosses one leg over the other.)

ALFONSO: Yeah, I sleep through Mrs. Drew's geography class and still get 100's on all of her tests. Biology is easy as well. We dissected a pig fetus in class yesterday. It was awesome.

(ALFONSO pulls out a pack of Ice Breakers and pops a mint into his mouth.)

ALFONSO: Where do I see myself in ten years? I don't know. I'm probably going to go to Harvard. Maybe Yale or MIT. I was thinking of being some sort of engineer since math and science come easy to me. I'm an ok writer, but English seems like a cop out, you know? Like, if I did English, it probably means that I wasn't good enough to do other stuff. But yeah, I'll probably graduate from Harvard as an engineer and work for NASA designing space robots or something. I think I'm also going to grow another foot or so. Also, I'm going to have a six-pack. Yeah. Pretty sure that's where my life is going. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to marching band practice.

END FLASHBACK

Oh, little Alfonso, if you only knew what lies ahead of you.

And if I only knew what lies ahead of me. I've had two auditions this week already and, even though I thought they went alright, I haven't heard back from them so it's safe to stay I'm not going to be cast in either of those sketch shows. For one of the auditions tomorrow, I have to perform a monologue. I've been working on the Charlie Brown lunchtime monologue from "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown." I warm up with "RED LEATHER, YELLOW LEATHER." It's really, really unsettling. I mean, I enjoy it, but like I said, this is mos def not where I pictured myself.

The two rejections coupled with the fact that it's going to take me at least until the end of the year to finish the Second City and iO improv programs means I'm mos def going to need to find a job in the near future. Progression in the improv world has been moving at a snail's pace for some sad reason. As Delma told me two weeks ago, I should find something constructive to occupy my time with instead of just sitting around and watching "Arrested Development" on Hulu. I've been applying to about two jobs per day and I'm actually being very finicky about the kind of job I want. There's no real rush to get a job right this second as I've got some moneys to last for a couple of months so I'm trying to find one that I might enjoy.

I've applied to a bunch of awesome creative writing positions. One was a position that creates dialogue for video games. Another was an article writer for the humor section of some Chicago-based magazine. There was one that's supposed to have me writing Q&A data for random diseases (like Maple Syrup Urine Disease. It's REAL! Google it!) which doesn't sound as fun as the other two, but I've got some experience in that field so I might be better qualified for it. If I don't hear back from anything in about a month, I'll probably just take up a job as a barista or waiter. Something with flexible hours so that I can schedule some improv classes during the day.

In the meantime, I've got this blog! In the past three weeks, I've made nineteen cents, suckas! Just two more months and I can get me a double cheeseburger from Mickey D's. (NOTE: If you like reading this, spread the word, homie. The more people that read this, the more money I get, and the more money I get, the less time I have to spend working, which means I can spend more time writing, which means you can spend more time reading, and we all win! JENGA!)

I went to a Rice alumni event this past week with Matt Youn. It was nice. The best thing about it was definitely the hors d'oeuvres though. If my mother had seen me, she would've been embarrassed. I was spazzing out over all sorts of food. Crab cakes, tuna rolls, little empanadas, blue cheese corn bread. And the desserts... OH THE DESSERTS! If you could have seen those desserts. Gargantuan chocolate-covered strawberries with a white chocolate swirl. Chocolate bundt cakelettes (they weren't cupcakes) filled with warm raspberry sauce. Mini creme brulees. Graham cracker crusted chocolate dollops. Oh me oh my oh me oh my... It's making me blush just thinking about it.

But yes, it was mos def worth the $15 to get in. I ate like a king. A rat king. King of the scavengers!

I was hoping to meet old alumni who could offer me jobs, but I just don't know how to mingle and network. It's a skill I never picked up on and I still have trouble initiating conversations with anyone.

I introduced myself to Leebron (President of Rice University) though. When he asked what I was doing and I said "Nothing, really" his smile faded. I suppose it's natural when everyone else that graduated from your university is going to law school or med school or Teaching for America, but I've got to follow my dreams, Leebron. You know how it is. I just have to take it one step at a time. And the next step is prepping myself for tomorrow by taking a Vaporub bath.

Annnd this has turned out to be way longer than I anticipated.

Goooooodnight, America. Keep fighting the good fight.