Hard Like a Rock

I’m sitting in a cafe. Argo Tea and Coffee. Their slogan is “healthy signature drinks.” All in lowercase letters. It’s a cool place with delicious chocolate croissants, but mediocre mochas. They taste like watered down Miss Swiss hot cocoa. I don’t want that shit. I want cinnamon and dark chocolate syrup and double shots of espresso and warm milk. Not that cheap powdered stuff. Delma got something called a matte latte. It tastes like Listerine. For all I know, it is Listerine. And it was $3.95! Come on, Argo. $4 for a cup of mouthwash? Not in this economic climate.

I asked for a free wi-fi pass code, but it says the code has expired. I’m too lazy to go ask for a new code, so I’m trying to leech off of any open wireless network I can. People are wise to those tricks in the city though. I haven’t been able to find any open networks. It’s ok. I would’ve just wasted time on Facebook.

Some people have interesting names for their networks. I tried logging onto “poopdick” with the password “dickpoop,” but it didn’t work. I thought maybe “Grendel2’s” password might be “Beowulf2,” but nope. I didn’t try logging onto “PoontangDynasty,” but that is one classy name for a wi-fi network.

Our network is “POPTHATCOOCHIE.” I heard it in a 2 Live Crew song once and thought it was funny. I still think it’s funny. It makes me laugh. When I was a teacher in Sacramento, a coworker and I would say that before every faculty meeting.

“POP THAT POP THAT.”
“POP THAT COOCHIE.”
“SHAKE THEM TITTAYS.”

Those were professional times.

That makes me sound all cool, doesn’t it? “Back when I was a teacher...” I only taught Algebra for one summer. I don’t think that really counts, but it was a lot of fun.

I haven’t had very many jobs, but a few of the jobs I’ve had make me sound like a total bad ass. Construction worker, medical writer, teacher, freelance writer and sandwich cook (only because I sliced off the tip of my finger with the meat slicer). Also, I was a busboy. For about two weeks.

The majority of those aren’t as cool as they sound.

I was a construction worker in the same way that a bat boy for the Cardinals is a professional athlete. I worked for my uncle one summer and we put up silt fences to protect mud and other debris from entering the sewers at construction sites. I did get to operate a Bobcat tractor though. For a day. That was pretty sweet.

And that medical writer thing? It was more of a personal assistant, something I would never want to do again. I worked with a 65-year old lady who once got so mad at her computer that she told me to get Bill Gates on the phone so that she could yell at him. And she had a Mac. I did manage to write a brochure that ended up being published though. It was on liver cancer. So it wasn’t a total waste of six months. Also, I had access to all the gingersnaps I could eat. That, too, was pretty sweet.

And the freelance writer thing? That’s what I’m doing now, except not really. I do stuff for Demand Media. I write articles on how to change headlights on an ‘84 Civic and how to find a Kakuna in “Pokemon Red” (here’s a hint: check Viridian Forest). But I get to work from home. Which is also pretty sweet.

The sandwich cook is the only thing that’s 100% legit. I worked at Jersey Mike’s in Houston and lost twenty pounds that summer because I only ate turkey sandwiches. Also, I sliced off the tip of my finger with the meat slicer. But I think I already mentioned that.

 I just looked up the "Pop That Coochie" video on YouTube. Wow. It's practically porn.

There was also this comment left by debie420:

"just cause they white dont hate cause a white bitch can get down !!!! in fact any color can get down !!"

I'm glad this is a world where any color can get down. It's the little things in life that make it worth living.