My dog smells so bad. She threw up last night. For no apparent reason! We were just sitting on the couch, watching Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein in Portlandia (which is now on Netflix Instant), when she started making this "HURK HURK" noise and then "bleeeaaaarrgggghh." Green, bubbly vomit all over the rug.
I think I gave her too much turkey ham. She has a sensitive stomach, that dog. Whenever I give her too many treats or snacks, she starts making that "HURK HURK" noise and then "bleeeeaaarrrggghhh." I held her in my arms and sang sweet lullabies to lull her to sleep. Then I put her down on her bed and rubbed her stomach.
But today she is staaaaaaaaanky. Every time she vomits, she gets it all over her mustache (Do dogs have mustaches? It looks like she has one, but she's a she, so I dunno.) and the smell lingers until we shower her, but I JUST showered her. Like three days ago. I don't want to do more work. So she's sitting next to me, stinking up the place with her day old vomit while I consider bathing her again.
What a conundrum.
Except not really. After I typed that last sentence, I took her to the bathroom and spent two minutes washing her face. Then I spent two minutes drying it off.
Total time spent: four minutes.
Total stench level: 7%.
(I farted.)
That's been a problem of mine. Not the farting, but the whole ignoring problems and hoping they'll change thing. Too passive, not enough man. That's a goal for 2012. Be more man. I have a lot of goals, but being more man is up there, along with dunking a basketball, which has been one of my resolutions for the past few years (still working on it, but I think I need to give up on the leg press and move on to squats or something).
By man, I think I just mean assertive. Actively reaching for my goals instead of sitting around and moping because my goals haven't reached me. I've started by switching up my diet and work out routine. Yeah, yeah, everyone tries to lose weight every year. But not this guy. I'm trying to gain weight. Gonna increase my protein intake and get mad muscles, yo. Mad muscles.
After my surgery this year, I got really discouraged because I couldn't work out for a month and a half. All of the muscle that I had built over the years started slowly atrophying. "What's the point of working out to the max if it can all be undone by one faulty organ?" I asked myself. So I kinda half-assed my workouts and ate whatever the hell I wanted (because when you ain't got no gallbladder, you ain't got no worries).
"NO MORE!" I said as I wiped Dorito crumbs from my mouth. I went out and bought three cartons of eggs and a tub of whey protein. I worked out to the max all last week and I'm STILL sore, son. I yearn for the days when I could bench press half a Shetland pony. When I could curl four ten pound newborn babies. When my dog couldn't sleep on my stomach because it wasn't soft and cushy.
Honestly, I know it's a pretty vain goal. More muscle? Why not do something useful like learn a new language or help out the homeless? And I'd like to do those as well. But in 2011, I felt like my life was just kinda crumbling around me. Lost my job. Didn't do much in terms of improv. Didn't get published. Didn't attempt stand up again. Didn't read much. Nothing. Wanna know what changed in my life from January 1st, 2011 to December 31st, 2011? My gallbladder was removed. The whole year, I just sat on my ass and watched Netflix or played videogames.
A lot of those things I don't have much control over (Harold Team, getting published). But my muscle mass is one thing that I can control. I have to take control of my life and steer it in the direction that I want, but I have to start somewhere. And if a mean deadlift is the jumping off point that will lead me to a better life in terms of career and hobbies and religion, then so be it.
I've started a few other activities as well. Attempting to learn guitar (I know six chords now), reading more (gonna start on The Grapes of Wrath today) and writing more (sup, yo?). Hopefully I'll be able to keep pushing and doing them, even when things get tough.
People always say the first step is the hardest, but I don't think I believe that. The first step is the easiest because you're just barely putting your feet into the water. You're a beginner. No expectations. It's the next step that's the hardest. And then once you've done that step, the following step is the hardest. And then the next step after that. Because once you've taken the next step, that next step is the new first step and it becomes your comfort zone and it's always difficult to break out of your comfort zone.
So I'm going to keep on taking those next steps. That's what 2012 has been about so far and, hopefully, I'll continue with it.
Oh, also, there was a fire in our building a couple nights ago.
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