A beard brush.
Beard oil.
And a keyboard case for my iPad mini.
I'm typing on the keyboard case right now. It's pretty sweet, but it def is going to take some getting used to. But now I have no excuse not to write because I can take my iPad with me and write anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I'm writing this while sitting on the toilet right now.
No, I'm kidding. I'm sitting in a chair and my iPad is propped up on the kitchen island that is in the middle of the kitchen and that's why it's called an island. Because it's in the kitchen. I'm in the kitchen.
I just finished doing the dishes. I do the dishes a lot nowadays. By which I mean, I have been cooking a lot recently. Because I went to a gastroenterologist and he put me on something called a low FODMAP diet which means I can't eat, like, anything.
That's not completely true. I can eat eggs. And Romaine lettuce.
But no gluten. No hardcore dairy (apparently, certain cheeses like parmesan and mozzarella are softcore dairy. I can have softcore dairy). No chocolate (but I still eat it because you can't tell me what to do, gastroenterologist). No HFCS. Which is in EVERYTHING. I can't have certain fruits or vegetables. Including avocado. Which makes me really sad because avocado is my favorite fruit. Or vegetable. Whatever.
This will last for ten days, at which point I will slowly reintroduce the FODMAPS, one at a time, to see if I have an adverse reaction to any of them. If I don't, we good. If I do, we can pinpoint the source of my digestive troubles and I can finally eat whatever I want aside from peanuts because I am allergic to those and apples because I am also allergic to those and any sort of greasy, fried foods because since I do not have a gallbladder, I cannot digest them properly. Aside from that, we good.
But enough about bowels and back to iPad mini keyboard covers. This thing is dope. I mean, it's weird typing on a keyboard the size of a BLT (I also can't eat that on the FODMAP diet), but aside from the eventual carpal tunnel, this is good. I was very excited when I got home from work and saw the package by the door.
But not as excited as when I saw the beard brush and beard oil. Oh sweet turkey cutlets. The brush and oil cost $35. Pricey? Sure. But it is, hands down, the best $35 I've ever spent. My beard was ok before, but now? If you shaved an angel's back hair and superglued it onto my face, you would get my beard. The back hair of an angel.
The brush makes it so that I can, you know, brush my beard. No more stray scraggly hairs sticking out of my beard making it look like I have pubes on my face. The handle is made from bamboo. You know. Panda food? That shit. And it's a boar bristle brush. A BOAR bristle brush. A boar BRISTLE brush.
BoarbristleBRUSH.
That means someone had to kill Pumbaa's cousin to make this. Appropos, given that I have a glorious lion's mane surrounding my face.
But what about the oil, you ask? It contains sesame oil, jojoba (I don't know what that is, but it's a good alternative punch line to any "Joe mama" joke), and eucalyptus oil. Eucalyptus. You know. Koala food? So I'm rubbing the food of two types of bears on my face.
And the softness! Oh, the softness. I place two drops of this beard oil in my palm, rub my hands together, then run them through my masculinity-enhancing beard. It looks rugged, but it makes my beard SO SOFT. Like a bottom's baby. Like, if there were two butts, and they made sweet, sweet butt love, and then they had a butt baby, my beard would be as soft as that butt baby. Maybe even as soft as that butt baby's bottom.
Also, it smells like sandalwood.
And the attention I've been getting! Let me tell you about the attention I've been getting. I have been getting attention.
I love my beard. I don't know why I haven''t grown one before. It's a symbol of virility and strength and it's exactly why Zach Galifinakis has one. I'm going to name mine "Thelonious Crunk."
Is it wrong to have a beard? You tell me. But before you do, let me ask you a few questions.
Do you know James Harden? You know, plays for the Houston Rockets? You know he has a beard, right? You know he averages 24.6 ppg, 4.6 rebounds and 5.7 assists, right? No?
Cool. Well job. To answer your previous question, is it wrong to have a beard?
Is it wrong to average 24.6 ppg, 4.6 rebounds and 5.7 assists?
Let that sink in while I go play with my beard.
Alf and Thelonious Crunk OUT.
EVERY DAMN DAY
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