Dogs That I See

This is a list of dogs that live in my neighborhood. I have very limited interaction with these dogs, but I see them fairly often. Some on a daily basis. Some less so. But I see these dogs walking around a lot. I like some. Others I don't. All breeds are pure speculation as I have never shared a word with any of the owners. Here is the list.

Labradoodle
Oh, labradoodle. You are simply the cutest. You're a big, fluffy ball of fun. Sometimes you're carrying your own leash in your mouth, as if you're pretending to be your own owner. You're in charge of your destiny, labradoodle. Other times, you're trying to jump onto your owner in such a way that it looks like you just want him to carry you. You have such a huge smile on your face that I just want to go up to you and hug you. I love you, labradoodle.

Bulldog
Bulldog, you are too cool. You walk around with this strut like you OWN this neighborhood. Every time I see you, you stop and stare at me for a few seconds until I pass you, then you keep strutting. Once, you gruffed at me. I probably deserved it. Keep on being cool, bulldog.

Golden Retriever
Once, I saw you try to eat a plastic bag from 7-11.

Toy Shih Tzu
You're a cute little guy. Also, you live right below me so I hear you scamper about and I can just imagine you trying to climb onto the coffee table or futon and it makes me giggle. Whenever I see you outside, you walk so slow and it's refreshing. Most dogs I see pull their owners along and live life a mile a minute. You, little shih tzu? You don't give a fuuuuuck. You just walk along, stopping every few seconds to look around and then look up at your owner, then you resume walking super slow. The only thing I don't like is how you bark every time I enter our building. I wish you were my dog though. Because you're so adorable.

Schnauzer
I hate you, schnauzer. I hate you so much. I hate you and your owner. Why are you so hateful, schnauzer? Do you remember that time you tried to attack me? I was carrying four bags of groceries from Trader Joe's and you lunged at me and I dropped the bags and my bananas fell in the snow and you kept barking and trying to bite me and your owner just kind of stood there. What's up with that? I hate you, schnauzer, and I hope you get fleas when the snow melts.

Boxer
You poop while standing on two legs. Why, boxer? Why do you poop like that? Seriously. I've never seen any dog poop the way you do. It's like you're trying to be people.

Scottish Terrier
I don't really have an opinion of you, scottish terrier. I mean, you're a scottish terrier, but there's nothing terribly likable about you. Your owner though? Total dick. Dude has a staring problem. Whenever I pass y'all, he just glares and does not stop glaring until I turn the corner. Maybe he's even glaring then. I don't know. I don't like it. He gives me the heebie jeebies.

Toby
I've never actually seen you, Toby, but I hear your name three to four times a week. Sometimes at 2AM. Sometimes at 5AM. Here's a sample conversation:
"Toby. TOBY. PSST! TOBY! Come here. COME HERE. COME. HERE. TOBY. Goddamnit, Toby. TOBY. COME HERE! Goddammnit!"
This goes on for approximately three minutes. Then it stops. Could you just listen to your owner, Toby, so that he shuts up? It's annoying waking up in the middle of the night because of him.

Pitbulls
Hey, you two. You guys are huge and intimidating and I cross the street every time I see you because I get scared. But you're very majestic.

That concludes the list of dogs that I see in my neighborhood. There are others, of course. But those are the ones that I see most often.