Many, many things make me nervous. Big dogs make me nervous. Delayed flights make me nervous. Gangnam Style makes me nervous. Being one of the first ones to arrive at a social gathering held at a bar makes me extremely nervous.
I have my reasons. They might not be the best or most logical reasons, but I have them. My sister was attacked by a dog when I was five. Airports remind of hospitals which conjure up images of death which make me imagine the plane I'm about to board suddenly losing cabin pressure, knocking everyone unconscious, sending us hurtling into the Atlantic. Psy's infectious hit will enter my mind and not leave for days at a time if I hear the word "Oppa." Bars offer no escape from social interactions.
Socializing makes me nervous which is why bars make me nervous.
When you're at a bar, there are two and a half options. You can socialize. You can drink. And sometimes, you can pee, but that's dependent on how much you've had to drink and when you last went potty. A bladder can only be emptied so many times.
There are sometimes other options, of course. Some bars have televisions showing sports. Others have karaoke. And a few even have games. Like giant Jenga.
This is how I feel whenever I am at a bar.
But when you have exhausted all of those options, you are left with socializing.
Socializing makes me nervous because it's hard.
I am a naturally quiet person, but I am uncomfortable with lulls in conversations. I have to fill that void with SOMETHING so I make myself chipper and more animated. More exciting and interesting. I make observations. I crack jokes. I ask questions.
It is both difficult and exhausting.
I can only keep up the facade for so long before I start getting tired which is why I leave many social gatherings before 11PM.
Socializing makes me nervous because I worry too much about what people think.
The same thought process that goes from airports to hospitals to death also goes from awkward silence to sideways glance to "Oh my god, this person hates me..."
I actually am a fairly bland person. I don't have deep thoughts nor do I have many opinions on important or relevant matters. My favorite ice cream flavor is vanilla. If you ask me what I'm thinking, ten times out of twelve, I'll be wondering what my next meal will be.
I'm scared everyone will find this out. So I get very anxious when talking to people. I try to be as cool as a cucumber, but I find myself as warm as a slice of pastrami left out on the counter overnight.
When I'm having a conversation with someone, I'm very twitchy and my eyes dart around so much it looks like I'm watching a tennis match. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to say next.
At the office, it's easy to get out of these situations. You simply say "Ok, goodbye, I have to go to a meeting now," then go into an empty conference room and hyperventilate for a few seconds. But there are no empty conference rooms at bars. There are no meetings. Only socializing and drinking.
Socializing makes me nervous and I drink when I am nervous.
Sometimes it is easier to just get out on the dance floor. The only words that need to be uttered when dancing are "I LOVE THIS SONG."
These are some of my thoughts on socializing at bars.
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