Apartment Safari

There's a guy on the first floor our apartment complex that we refer to as Catman. It's not because he has cat eyes. He's not covered in fur. He doesn't have nine lives. As far as I can tell, he doesn't have any cool cat-like features. The only reason we call him Catman is because everytime we pass by his apartment, he opens the door and lets out this eerie cat-like hiss. For cereals. As I was going down the stairs yesterday morning, I heard him run to the door, unbolt the lock, open it, and unleash this crazy hissing noise. Then he ran back inside, slammed the door, and locked it. It's kinda like the opposite of ding dong ditch. Except there's a Catman involved. Actually, I don't even know if it's Catman. It might be an actual cat. I've never seen him. Or maybe it's a cat collaborating with a guy. You know, maybe the guy opens the door and then the cat hisses and then they both run inside and giggle for five minutes and then eat a bowl of Frosted Flakes before cuddling on the couch.

Whatever it is, it's really creepy.

But our apartment complex isn't all that bad! Yesterday, somebody put stickers on our door sign.

See? A volcano and a brontosaurus! When I put that sign up, I thought people were just going to tear it down or write stuff like "PENISAURUS REX!" or "VAGINATERATOPS!" on it. But they didn't. Hooray for dinosaurs!

But why did you put that sign up?
Because we were working on this!


What on earth is that?
It's a velociraptor! And we excavated and built it ourselves.

But how do you mean? Aren't dinosaurs extinct? And how did you manage to unearth an entire velociraptor fossil, assemble it, and then display it in your tiny apartment?
Whoa, slow down there, reader. This is no ordinary velociraptor fossil. It's plastic. Actually, it was a Christmas present. The bones were embedded in this big plaster block. You had to chip and chisel away for hours to get all of the pieces out. Unfortunately, it was taking too long so I got a screwdriver and a hammer and started going to town on that bad boy. After all the pieces were discovered, we followed the instructions that came with the box and now proudly display a miniature velociraptor skeleton in our living room.

Oh. That's cool. I guess.
It's very cool. But I didn't even tell you the best part. It glows in the dark!

Whoa, that is cool!
Yeah! And now I won't trip over the coffee table when I want to go get some Oreo's in the middle of the night.

So some of our neighbors are cool. And some are creepy. And then some go into the hot tub at 2 in the morning and start dong all sorts of nasty stuff. Like kissing. And sex. Or hugging. And sex.

Grosso magnum.

At least they don't make cat noises when they're in there.