Grey Goose and Wild Turkey

I found that image while doing research at work today. I love it because it looks like the kid is trying to melt the ice cream WITH HIS MIND! And he's trying so hard that he's gone and given himself an ice cream headache. Silly kid. Only Professor X has telekinesis.

If I ever start a band, I'm going to call it "Ice Cream Headache." It sounds a lot cooler than "Brain Freeze." And at every show, we're going to give out free ice cream. Neopolitan, Rocky Road, Chunky Monkey, and Mexican Vanilla. No Fudgesicles though.

When I was in 3rd grade, I wanted a Fudgesicle, but I said Fucksicle on accident and I got sent to the principal's office. I cried.

Also, when I was in 3rd grade, we had a substitute teacher one day and she was a total jerk. She kept yelling at us because we were breathing too loud. For serious! And we had this thing called "Problem of the Day" where we were given a math problem in the morning and if we solved it by the time school got out, we'd get free candy. And I really wanted that free candy, but the substitute teacher seemed to have forgotten about it because she kept yelling at us so I asked her "But Miss! What about the problem of the day?" and she looked me square in the eye and said "YOU'RE the problem of the day!" I cried.

You know what game was total baller? Math Blaster.

I remember shooting garbage in space, doing math, recycling cans, doing math, building a spaceship, doing math, and fighting the evil alien who stole my sidekick buddy at the end. And doing math. It would've been more fun if I didn't have to do all of that stupid math, but look at me now! I have a degree in English. And it was all thanks to Math Blaster.

Today at work, my boss farted and tried to play it off like nothing happened. I knew her tricks though. So I secretly farted back and it smelled really bad, but she probably thought it was just hers. That'll show her.

Last Monday was an exciting day at work. I watered the plants, fixed the copier, AND checked the mail. And this was all in the span of three hours.

On Friday, I was walking up the stairs to my apartment when I nearly crashed into this lady and her big Boxer dog. I apologized and the lady said it was ok, but the dog wasn't very apologetic. He kept growling at me. In fact, when I was going up the stairs, he started chasing me. The lady started laughing. I think she let him loose so that he could chase me. I've never run up a flight of stairs so fast before.

When I was five, I was chased by a goose at the zoo. I was feeding ducks bread at the pond and I accidentally dropped this huuuge piece on the ground, so I picked it up so I could give it to a duck, but this huuuge goose thought I was trying to steal its food or something because it let out this honk war cry and tore off after me. It didn't stop until I jumped into the water fountain.

When I was seven, I was chased by a turkey in Mexico. I pissed it off because I kept gobbling at it and I guess it had had enough because he let out this gobble war cry and tore off after me. It didn't stop until I jumped into the pool.

When I was eleven, a seagull ate my bread at Universal Studios. I was just minding my own business when WHOOSH! This seagull just flew out of the sky and snatched my bread.

I cried.

And then my mom laughed at me.

Thanks, mom.