Grosso Magnum

Oh, man. I just plucked out a really long nose hair. Aren't those nose hairs hecka nasty? Almost like back hair nasty (but not quite). And I hate them because they just pop out of nowhere. You'll just be talking to someone, acting all cool, drinking your iced mocha, and then you go to the bathroom to wash your hands and you see this huuuuuge nose hair sticking out. Mega gross. And then whenever I pluck them out, I sneeze! I'm not sure of the exact science behind it, but I think it has something to do with follicles. And pores. Open pores. Open sores. Cold sores. Dinosaurs!

I love pores because if your pores get clogged, you know what comes next. PIMPLES! And you know what comes after pimples. POPPING THEM! It's the best thing in the world. One of my favorite activities is to sit in front of the mirror and squeeze my nose with my nails to watch all of the gross white stuff ooze out of those blackheads like grape jelly out of a doughnut. Yum yum.

I'm sorry if that grossed you out. Really, I am. I'll stop. For cereal.

In fact, to follow up those two gross anecdotes, I'll talk about the new soap I bought this past weekend. In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I purchased some Irish Spring body wash complete with microbeads! I'm not entirely sure what those microbeads do, but I can totally feel them at work, scratching my skin and ripping the dirt right out of my pores! Unfortunately, they really stick to you if you've got a good deal of hair in certain places. I'm not a very hairy guy, but like most men, I do have quite a bit of fuzz under my armpits. When I got out of the shower and dried myself with my towel, I found lots of tiny white microbeads embedded in my armpits. I thought I had armpit lice or something.

That's still a little gross, huh? Ok, no more. Pinky promise.

You know who needs some Irish Spring body wash with microbeads? Yao Ming. I'm watching the Rockets-Pistons game and he is very, very sweaty. I bet he smells terrible. In fact, he's sweating so much that Tayshaun Prince just slipped. Because of Yao Ming's sweat. Grooooooss. Naaaaaasty. Ewwwwwww.

I never understood how some athletes get so hurt. I mean, with football, it makes sense since you're getting tackled by 300+ lb linemen, but in basketball, you're just running back and forth, right? Wrong. It takes so little to injure yourself. Once, I tried to cut a sandwich in half and pulled my bicep. I was out of commission for a week. I'm surprised athletes don't get injured all the time, but I guess that's probably because they just hire someone to slice their sandwiches for them. Except for Tracy McGrady. He must slice his own sandwiches because that guy is always injured.

Thankfully, there's lots of great remedies for pulled muscles and muscle soreness in general. Stretching, cold showers, bananas. My personal favorite has to be Icy Hot®. Is it hot? Is it cold? It's both! You just rub it on the general area of soreness and let it go to town on your muscles. Its magic touch gently soothes and caresses your weary body with a combination of both frigid and blistering temperatures. Sometimes I rub it on myself even when I'm not sore. Just because it feels nice. And because of the smell.



Last night was one of those nights where I wasn't sore, but I just wanted a little Icy Hot® on my big belly. So I rubbed some onto my stomach and wiped the rest off on my Superman pajama pants. Or at least I thought I did. A few minutes later, I had an itch near my crotch. So I scratched it. And it felt nice, as scratching itches usually does. But then it didn't feel so nice. In fact, it felt very un-nice. It felt burning. Scorching. I was scared I had an STD for a moment. Then I felt the icy coldness that accompanies the burning sensation and I realized that I had accidentally rubbed Icy Hot® on my privates.

Grosso magnum.